Parenting is certainly an adventure, isn’t it? Our children are full of surprises and challenges. Some days, those challenges can feel especially exhausting.
Frankly, navigating these challenges can throw even the best of us for a loop. Although I can’t say I know how to perfectly handle every parenting adventure that comes my way (far from it!), I can say that I have some tried and true strategies that I fall back on when the going gets tough.
The topic of this post today is not only one of my favorite parenting strategies, but also a foundational counseling skill that I use as a therapist: validation.
Validation is the act of acknowledging and accepting someone’s feelings and experiences, without necessarily agreeing with or approving of them. It is a powerful tool that can help build healthy relationships, boost self-esteem, and foster emotional intelligence.
In this blog post, we will explore the importance of validation and how to use it effectively with your child.
Why is validation important?
Validation is a fundamental aspect of healthy communication in relationships. When we validate someone, we show them that we care about their thoughts, feelings, and experiences.
We create a safe space for them to express themselves and feel heard. Validation can also help build trust and deepen our connection with others. It allows us to see things from their perspective, which can improve our empathy and understanding.
In addition, when we feel like someone else is really listening to us and trying to understand our perspective, we are more willing to open up and share our thoughts and feelings.
For children, validation is especially important. Children are still learning to navigate the complex world of emotions and relationships. They may not have the vocabulary or self-awareness to express their feelings effectively.
Validation can also help reduce feelings of shame, guilt, and self-doubt. When we are struggling with a difficult emotion or experience, it can be easy to feel like we are the only ones who feel that way or that there is something wrong with us. Validation can help us to realize that our feelings are normal and understandable, and that we are not alone in our struggles.
Here are some key benefits of validation for children:
- Increased self-esteem: When we validate our children’s experiences, we help them feel valued and worthy. This can boost their self-esteem and confidence, which can help them navigate challenges and setbacks.
- Improved emotional regulation: Children who feel validated are more likely to develop healthy emotional regulation skills. They learn that it’s okay to feel a range of emotions and that expressing those emotions in a healthy way is important.
- Stronger relationships: Validation can help build trust and deepen our connection with our children. When our children feel heard and understood, they are more likely to confide in us and seek our support.
- Improved communication: When we validate our children’s experiences, we model healthy communication skills. This can help them learn to express themselves effectively and build positive relationships with others.
Tips for using validation with your child
Validation is a skill that can be learned and practiced. Here are some tips for using validation effectively with your child:
- Listen actively: Active listening is an essential part of validation. When your child is expressing themselves, give them your full attention. Avoid interrupting or dismissing their feelings.
- Reflect back: After your child has shared their experience, reflect back what you heard them say. This shows that you were listening and helps clarify any misunderstandings. For example, “It sounds like you’re feeling really frustrated about not being able to play with your friends today.”
- Acknowledge their feelings: Let your child know that their feelings are understandable. You don’t necessarily have to agree with their perspective, but you can still acknowledge and accept their emotions. For example, “It’s okay to feel upset about this. I can understand why you would feel that way.”
- Avoid judgment: Validation is not about agreeing with or approving of someone’s behavior. It’s about acknowledging their experience and helping them feel heard. Avoid judgment or criticism, even if you don’t agree with their actions.
- Offer support: Let your child know that you’re there to support them. Ask if there’s anything you can do to help or if they want to talk more about their experience.
Examples of Validation in Action
What does validation sound like? What should I actually say?
Glad you asked! Let’s look at some examples of validation in action. These scenarios demonstrate how validation can be used effectively with children of different ages and in different situations.
Scenario 1: Your child comes home from school feeling upset because they got a low grade on a test.
Validating response: “I can understand why you’re feeling disappointed about your grade. It’s tough to work hard and not see the results you want.”
Avoid the temptation to immediately tell them they’ll do better next time, or it’s only test, etc. Instead, acknowledge your child’s feelings and in turn you’ll help them feel heard and understood. Once they feel like you get it, you can ask them if they want any suggestions or to think together about what to do.
Scenario 2: Your child is struggling to make friends.
Validating response: “It can be tough to make friends sometimes. That sounds really difficult.”
Feeling disconnected from peers is tough- but feeling alone in the emotions it brings up is even tougher. You do not have to make these feelings go away, but rather aim to make them feel less alone with their feelings.
Scenario 3: Your child is afraid of the dark
Validating response: “It’s okay to be afraid of the dark. Lots of kids feel that way.”
In a situation like this we might usually respond by saying something about how there is nothing to be afraid of. However, when our kids our really scared, this well-meaning response makes them feel minimized. Instead, we can normalize feelings and let them know they are not alone.
Scenario 4: Your child is angry with you (and maybe says something unkind).
Validating response: “I understand that you’re angry with me. I want to hear about what’s bothering you.”
When our children are angry at us, and especially if they respond to being angry by yelling things such as “I hate you!”, we tend to want to shut down the behavior. However, it can be more helpful to initiate a real conversation and provide them the opportunity to express their feelings in a healthy way. Remember that children are allowed to feel anger too, and we can help them to express it an appropriate way by taking a validating response.
In all of these scenarios, validation is key to helping your child feel heard and understood. By acknowledging your child’s thoughts, feelings, and behaviors as legitimate and important, you help them develop a sense of self-worth and confidence. Validation is an essential tool for building a strong parent-child relationship and helping your child develop positive behaviors that will serve them well throughout their lives.
Keep Growing,
