Helping Your Child with School Related Anxiety

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It’s that time of year again! Back to school time. I often say that the upcoming months (basically October onward) are my “busy” season as a child and adolescent therapist. When you work with kids and teens in mental health, you come to realize that there truly are “seasons” to the job. There are times of the year that people are struggling more or seeking more support, and other times that kids tend to do better and maybe even disappear from therapy for a bit. Things really start to ramp up in the child mental health world as everyone goes back to school, including school related anxiety.

School tends to bring up a lot of different areas of stress for kids. There are the social pressures, the academic pressures, all the activities outside of school that start to go back into full swing again, and just the busyness of it all. Some kids start to anticipate that stress or feel anxious before school has even begun, and others feel okay in the early part of the school year but start to struggle more as the school year goes on.

Because this part of the year is more stressful for our kids, it can also be a more stressful time as a parent. It’s pretty normal for the back-to-school season to fuel our own anxieties about how our children are going to do with the transition and how the school year will go for them. We might be hoping for the best but also mentally preparing for the worst. In this post, we will explore the potential signs of school related anxiety that we should be looking out for as parents, as well as strategies to support our children through these concerns.

What are some possible signs of school related anxiety?

Reluctance to attend school
Difficulty separating from parents
Frequent headaches or stomach-aches
Avoidance of social situations
Changes in eating or sleeping habits
Frequent irritability or outbursts
Difficulty concentrating or completing tasks
Frequent reassurance seeking
Starting to worry or complain about the next day at school the night before
Struggling more on Sunday evenings or the night before the transition back to school from the weekend
Especially for teens- appearing sad/down or withdrawn
Isolating

What causes school related anxiety?

Several factors can contribute to school-related anxiety in children and teenagers. These may include a fear of failure or low grades, pressure to succeed from parents or teachers, social anxiety related to fitting in with peers, bullying or harassment, and academic or extracurricular demands that feel overwhelming. Additionally, some students may struggle with learning differences or mental health conditions such as anxiety disorders or depression, which can exacerbate their anxiety in a school setting. For younger kids who have not had as much experience being away from their parents, being in a new or unfamiliar environment while missing their parents can contribute to anxiety.

What should I do if my child is struggling?

If your child is struggling with school-related anxiety, there are several strategies you can take to help them:

1. Encourage communication and provide a safe space for your child to express how they are feeling and what is going on for them

It is important when something is feeling stressful about school, that kids have a place to be able to release those feelings. Therapists recognize that one of the reasons a difficult emotion may turn into more of a problem (whether internalized or externalized), is if there aren’t opportunities to be able to express the emotion in a healthy way. As a parent, one of the things that you can do to support your child if they are struggling with school related anxiety, is to make sure you are providing an emotionally safe place at home. It is vital for kids to feel supported and not judged to express and work through difficult feelings.

Providing validation and empathy are key ingredients to helping kids feel like they can talk about the things they are struggling with. Listen actively to what they have to say and avoid dismissing or minimizing their feelings. Encourage them to express themselves through art, writing, or play if they are not comfortable talking. Model open communication by sharing your own feelings and experiences in a developmentally appropriate way and avoid reacting with anger or frustration.

For more on this check out my blog post on using validation with your child.

2. Practice relaxation and grounding techniques with your child

Relaxation and grounding techniques can be effective in helping your child deal with difficult emotions. Encourage your child to use breathing strategies, do guided visualizations, or do a body scan to release tension. Helping your child identify and name their emotions can also be helpful in the moment. Practicing these techniques regularly can build emotional resilience and coping skills over time.

If kids are struggling with anxiety before going to school, or starting to get worried at night about how the next day at school will go, these can be particularly helpful times to practice guided visualization or another relaxation strategy. The goal is not to eliminate anxious feelings, but rather to have a way to cope with them.

3. Problem solve particular areas of difficulty with your child

During a calm moment, take some time to have a problem-solving conversation with your child in order to think through possible solutions to some of their biggest concerns at school. Having problem solving conversations with your child is a great way to help them develop their critical thinking and decision-making skills. It also helps to build their confidence and ability to express themselves effectively. By involving your child in problem solving discussions, you are teaching them valuable life skills that they can use in various situations throughout their lives. Additionally, problem solving conversations create a positive and open environment for communication between you and your child, which can help to strengthen your relationship.

My preferred way of having these kinds of conversations is through the structure of the “Plan B.” The Plan B is a Collaborative Problem-Solving conversation, that really leans into understanding the child’s perspective and coming up with mutually agreeable potential solutions. I find that it is a great way to allow kids to feel both heard/understood and empowered in change.

It starts with the empathy step, which invites your child to talk about their view while placing emphasis on the difficult situation rather than whatever behavior may be a result of the situation or expectations the child is having a hard time with. As you will see, we typically start with “I’ve noticed” and then provide the situation or expectation. Examples:

I’ve noticed that it’s been hard when I leave after dropping you off at school. What’s been making it hard?
I’ve noticed that you’ve been saying you don’t like school. Is there something in particular that’s making you feel this way?
I’ve noticed that getting homework done has been hard. What’s up?
I’ve noticed that you’ve been asking to come home from school more recently. What’s up with that?

Only when the child’s concerns have been fully heard do we move on to the share adults’ concerns step. During this step, we don’t lecture, sermonize or judge, but briefly talk about if we have concerns about how the problem may be affecting the child or others. Finally, we move to the third step of collaborating on potential solutions. We try to think of something that will meet both the child and adults’ concerns and give the child the first chance to come up with an idea.

To get more detail as well as useful handouts visit either the Think Kids website or the Lives in the Balance website. Both of these websites have helpful information and resources about Collaborative Problem Solving.

4. Work on creating a low stress homework routine

Let’s face it, homework can be one of the more stressful things about school. Kids who are struggling with any type of school related anxiety tend to be either avoidant of homework, or overly perfectionistic and concerned about homework. If one of the struggles that you’re noticing with your child is related to homework, it can be helpful to try to create a low stress homework routine.

Start by setting a designated homework area that is well-lit, quiet, and free from distractions. Establish a consistent schedule for homework and break times and allow your child to have some control in creating this schedule. Encourage them to take breaks and engage in physical activity during the break to help reduce stress. Provide positive reinforcement and support and avoid placing too much pressure on grades and performance.

In addition, don’t wait until the nighttime to get started!! I realize many kids have after school activities, but late at night is almost always going to be a problematic time to get homework done. Find a way to get homework done earlier, even if it means chunking it and doing smaller amounts at a time.

5. Create rituals for separation

Starting the school day can be difficult for some children, especially those who struggle with separation anxiety. Establishing a consistent morning routine can help ease the transition and make the separation process easier. Consider creating a special goodbye ritual with your child, such as a hug or kiss, a high-five, or a special phrase you say to each other. Check in with your child’s teacher if they can bring a comfort item, like a stuffed animal or a family photo, to school to help them feel more secure. For example, on the first day of school this year for each of my children, I gave them a grounding stone to keep with them in their pocket. I let them know it was to represent their connection with me and that if they missed me, they could reach for the stone in their pocket.

Make sure that your goodbye rituals are quick, that you stick to the plan, and that you convey confidence in your child’s ability to do well. This includes your facial expressions and body language. Even if your child appears worried or upset, it’s best if you still stick to the plan. I know this can be very difficult, but unfortunately staying and delaying the separation will only make it harder.

6. Communicate with your child’s teacher or other school staff to create a plan to help your child feel more comfortable at school

If your child is having any kind of struggles surrounding school, communication with your child’s teacher or other staff at the school will be paramount to their success. Let your child’s teacher know what they are struggling with and ask about how this is showing up at school. Talk about potential ways that anxiety shows up for your child so that their teacher is able to be more aware. Ask if there are any small groups for kids with anxiety or other concerns at the school and/or if it would be helpful for your child to meet with a school counselor/psychologist/social worker. Problem solve together with the teacher to create a plan for helping to support the areas you have identified with your child as being problematic. If you’ve found strategies that work for your child at home, share these strategies with their teacher.

More solutions for specific behavior concerns

What if my child is asking a lot of “what if” questions or wanting a lot of reassurance?

When kids get more worried about school, they may ask more what if questions or want a lot of reassurance from you that things will be ok. However, it is not helpful if we end up always answering those questions or just continue to provide reassurance for our children. Instead, it is more helpful for us to help our children think through their questions critically. For example:

How many times has this came true in the past?
Out of the last 10 times that you were in that situation, how often did [what the child is worried about] happen?
If it has never happened before, what makes you think it might happen now?
[For more likely/realistic worries] If it did happen, what could you do? How could you get through it?
If it did happen, how terrible would it be?

If we are noticing a pattern of unhelpful “what ifs” we can also help our child to turn their “what ifs” into “what is,” or use the “positive what if” practice. When we turn our what ifs into what is, we ask what is actually happening now that we know to be true. We turn our mind towards focusing on the present. For our positive what if practice, we let kids know that our mind is really good at coming up with the potential bad things that could happen, but often ignores the potential good. Then we see if we can find one potential positive/realistic thing that could happen for every bad thing our mind comes up with.

What if my child won’t get dressed in the morning?

If you are noticing that trying to get your child dressed in the morning is creating a battle, ask yourself if it is more important for your child to get dressed, or to attend school. Technically, they can go to school and participate even if they are in pajamas. I’m not arguing this is ideal, but at the same time, there are bigger concerns. If needed, you can send your child to school in their pajamas. This helps to reinforce that it’s not optional to attend school. They may refuse to put on clothes, but you will still hold firm the boundary of them attending school. The embarrassment we may feel surrounding this is temporary, and we can set the example that this is something we can handle.

What if my child won’t get on the bus or in the car?

When kids refuse to go in the car or on the bus, it tends to be the moment where we don’t have a lot of time and need to go to our own responsibilities for the day! Sometimes the best thing we can do in that very moment, is to eliminate the back and forth. Instead of arguing with your child, let them know that you see they are having a hard time, but aren’t going to engage in the moment. “I see you are having a hard time today. I want to hear more about this later, but I’m not going to argue about it right now.” The same day, if possible, when they come home and are mostly calm, use the Plan B language above to help discuss what was going on for your child and see about potential solutions. Don’t wait to problem solve and hope that it won’t happen again.

What if my child begs to come home?

If your child is asking to go home at some point after you’ve already dropped them off at school (and it seems clear it is anxiety related), most times it is best to do everything we can to keep them at school rather than “rescue them” by coming to pick them up. The more times the child comes home early, the harder it will be for them to go to school in general and the more they will want to come home again when problems arise. Instead, it’s important to figure out what triggered them wanting to come home. Did something difficult happen at school? Were they having anxious stomach aches or headaches? Were they missing mom or dad or worried about something happening to their family? Use the same strategies of giving a place to discuss their concerns while providing empathy, problem solving things that can be changed, and communicating confidence in their ability to handle any difficulties. This is also an opportunity to coordinate with your child’s teacher about a shared plan on how to handle these situations.

It also can be helpful, especially with younger children, to use books to help reinforce positive messages. For example, I love the book The Invisible String which also has a companion workbook; this book is to help kids to remember that they are always connected to their loved ones even when they are apart. Reinforcing this concept and reminding our kids in a playful way can help with these separations. You can tell them, remember, if you’re thinking of me or missing me, just tug on your invisible string. When I’m thinking of you, I’ll reach for my invisible string to connect to you.

Checking in With Yourself

Parenting anxious children is difficult. It’s normal to have our own emotions arise about our children’s struggles. At the same time, it is quite important for us to acknowledge and work through our own feelings. Not working through our own feelings about our children’s struggles will only cause increased stress and difficulty. When we start to participate in our child’s avoidance or continuously provide reassurance, we send the message to our child that the situation actually is too dangerous for them, or that we don’t have faith in their capability to handle it. What they need from us, is the opposite.

If we want to support our child, we have to be honest with ourselves about what our child’s fear brings up for us. It may bring up our own anxiety or fear. It helps for us to acknowledge the fear, and to then think about what we want to do about it. It also may bring up anger- because maybe it feels like it’s holding us back, making us late, we’re feeling stuck, etc. These are normal feelings, but we need to have the ability to process them.

This sounds similar to the point above for our children- right? They need a place to process their feelings safely, and frankly, so do we. Think about what your own needs are as a parent of a child who is struggling. How can you create some space for you to explore and cope with your feelings about their struggles?