As parents, we all want our kids to grow up to be well-adjusted, emotionally healthy individuals. However, navigating our child’s big emotions can certainly be a challenge, to say the least.
Emotion regulation skills are so crucial for kids to learn but at the same time when our kids are struggling with big emotions, it can be hard for parents to know where to start. We can even start to get into a mindset that something is wrong with our child, which only makes us feel helpless and worry about how they will succeed in the future.
Having a child who experiences big emotions simply makes us human- it’s not a sign of anything being wrong with our child or our parenting. Although we do not cause our child’s emotional outbursts, we can play an essential role in helping them to manage their feelings.
In addition to making our daily lives smoother, emotional regulation skills help kids cope with stress and frustration, make good decisions, and even can improve kids social skills, academic performance and overall well-being. WOW! Talk about return on investment.
So let’s explore what emotional regulation is, why it’s important for kids to learn, and how parents and caregivers can help children develop this critical skill.
What is Emotional Regulation?
Emotional regulation is the ability to control and manage emotions effectively. It involves recognizing and understanding our feelings, being able to express them appropriately, and knowing how to calm down when we are feeling overwhelmed.
Emotions are a natural part of life, and everyone experiences them differently. Some people may feel more intense emotions than others, but they can still learn to balance them in order to have productive and fulfilling lives.
Why is it Important for Kids?
Emotional regulation is critical for children’s development and well-being. Children who can regulate their emotions are better able to handle stress, build positive relationships, and achieve their goals.
Research has also shown that emotional regulation is a predictor of academic success. This makes sense because children who can manage their emotions and stay focused are more likely to perform well in school.
Children who struggle with emotional regulation may have difficulty expressing themselves, have trouble controlling their impulses, and struggle with social skills. They may also be at risk for anxiety, depression, and behavioral problems.
How Can Parents Help Kids Develop Emotional Regulation Skills?
Now that you know how important emotional regulation is, you’re probably wondering- what do I do to help???
The good news is that parents and caregivers can play a significant role in helping children develop emotional regulation skills. I’m certainly not going to claim that it is easy, but we can make a significant difference by focusing on daily strategies to support our kids’ emotions.
It takes time, consistency, and patience, but by providing our kids with tools and strategies, we can help them learn how to manage their big emotions in a healthy way.
Here are some strategies to try that can help:
1. Model Healthy Emotional Expression
Modeling is one of the best ways kids can learn emotional regulation skills. Children learn by watching adults- for better or for worse. We can use this in an empowering way to recognize and accept that the way we manage our own emotions will make a significant difference in how our child manages their own.
Luckily, this does not have to mean that we need to be perfect. In fact, authentically owning up to a mistake can be a great way to practice modeling for your child. Make it into a learning opportunity!
Remember, too, that modeling healthy emotional regulation skills does not mean always needing to be calm or never experiencing difficult emotions. It’s really just about using effective responses to difficult feelings.
When you are angry, sad, or anxious, talk about how you are feeling in a conscious way to help your child learn what’s going on for you and how you are going to respond. I refer to this as “narrating” because it’s like we are talking out loud about our own internal processes.
Our purpose with narrating is to make these processes external as well as show healthy self-talk and coping strategies for difficult feelings.
For example: “I’m noticing my body is feeling tense right now and I’m starting to feel frustrated. I think I’ll step away from this for a bit to calm my body down. I can come back to it later when I’m ready.”
The trick is to talk about what you are noticing in your body or thoughts that tells you when you are experiencing a difficult emotions, and then talk about what skill you are going to utilize to stay in control of your response. Keep this simple and straightforward and don’t assign blame.
But what if I struggle managing my own emotions?
I want to acknowledge that it’s very possible that you were not modeled healthy emotional coping strategies growing up. If you recognize this might be an area of growth for you owning the struggle is huge and it does NOT mean you are a bad parent. In fact, good parents acknowledge the areas that we might need extra support in.
If you grew up with parents who did not know how to manage their own emotions, it makes perfect sense that you may not have developed those skills yourself. Breaking the cycle of emotionally unavailable parenting in your family is SO huge. The fact that you are reading this article shows already that you are dedicated to finding a different way to support your own child.
It is perfectly ok to recognize if and when you need support with managing your own emotions, so that you can provide this key emotional regulation support for your child. Seeking your own therapy or bringing it up with your therapist if you already have one is a great way to receive this support.
2. Respond to Your Child’s Difficult Emotions Effectively
The way you respond when your child is in the midst of a difficult emotion, whether the intensity is small or large, matters. Responding to your child’s difficult emotions by allowing space for them, using validation, and utilizing an accpetance based approach can all help your child’s emotional regulation.
There is a way of approaching emotions that we refer to as “co-regulation.” Using co-regulation means that we use our ability to stay calm and regulate ourself to help our child in turn calm down their body. Your calm = your child’s calm.
Your calm = Your child’s calm
In order to be the calming force for our child, we need to first calm ourselves using self regulation. Before you respond to your child’s big emotions, take a brief moment to calm down your body and release some tension.
Research indicates that slowing your breathing and taking longer exhales (even for just two minutes!) can activate your parasympathetic response, quickly calming down your body.
You can try the 4:8 inhalation-to-exhaltion ratio (breathe in for 4, out for 8) breathing in through your nose and out slowly through pursed lips. Repeat for 10 rounds- which should only take two minutes.
I know in the midst of chaos it can feel like we don’t have this time to take, but the importance of taking a moment to calm down before responding really can’t be overstated. It’s worth the two minute delay in response.
Then, try using a mantra or other thinking strategy that reminds you of what you want to think/believe in the moment. Examples:
- My child is having a hard time not giving me a hard time
- This is not an emergency
- Calm is contagious
- Connection is more important than being right or in control
- Pause. Breathe. Start again
- Just be present
Next, respond with validation and acceptance. When our kids are upset, we tend to want to take away the difficult emotion or fix the problem for them. While this is understandable, it ends up being ineffective.
The more kids feel unheard or unseen, the larger their emotional response will become. Even when we have good intentions- if we are sending our child the message that they shouldn’t be feeling what they are feeling, they will become more dysregulated. We don’t need to make their difficult emotion go away, we need to be there with them through the difficult emotion.
Focus on being present. Let them know it is ok to feel however they are feeling and empathize with the difficulty of the feeling. The feeling of safety and connection to you is incredibly regulating, even if it takes a bit for their body to calm down.
3. Teach Mindfulness and Relaxation Techniques
In addition to the way we respond in the moment, the skills that we teach and practice with our kids on a daily basis can help them with emotional regulation. Teach your child simple techniques such as deep breathing, visualization, and progressive muscle relaxation.
Encourage them to practice these techniques regularly, better yet- practice them yourself and together with them!
Find some short mindfulness skills and activities that can be incoporated into your daily rhythym or in bewteen other tasks. For example- cueing them to pay attention to their in the moment sensations and environmental surroundings during tasks where we might otherwise ignore these things.
One of my favorite ways to incorporate relaxation techniques on a daily basis for both the kids I work with and my own children is during daily morning and evening routines. My daughter and I listen to a guided visualization every night right before falling asleep while she also gets a light massage from me.
I often have clients incoproate some simple yoga stretches and/or breathing exercises into their daily rituals to encourage starting and ending the day with calm.
When your children are familiar with these mindfulness and relaxation strategies they are more likely to be able to respond to difficult feelings effectively.
4. Build Emotional Literacy
Teach your child about feelings, labeling emotions, and healthy expression of emotions. Talk about and check in on feelings and responses frequently. Use tools to help kids guide their communication about how they are feeling.
One of my favorite ways to build emotional literacy is through reading high quality books about emotions with kids. Children can learn so much through rich stories and interesting characters. I love the little spot of emotion books, and have the emotion spot plushes in my office which are used on a daily basis with my clients. These plushes are such a great tool for helping kids externalize their feelings and talk about them in a safe, fun way.
Another emotion book series I like are the ninja life hacks emotions and feelings books. Both of these book series are focused on understanding emotions and building positive coping skills to respond to them.
You can also consider creating a calming corner in your home with emotion posters, flashcards, coping strategies, and breathing skills. I’m a big fan of this strategy because it is so clearly prioritizing our children’s emotional literacy.
We are often teaching kids about so many other things but neglect to talk about emotions on a regular basis!
5. Encourage Problem Solving Skills
Problem-solving skills can help children learn to manage difficult situations effectively. Teach your child to identify the problem, brainstorm solutions, and choose the best course of action. This will help them feel more empowered and capable of handling challenges.
Teaching problem-solving does not have to be too complicated. Instead of dictating to our children what they should do to handle a problem, we should encourage them to think about their options and communicate to them our belief in their ability to handle it.
For example, instead of telling your child “You should walk away when you start getting upset with your brother instead of hitting him” try saying “I get that it can be really hard to play safely with your brother when you’re upset. I also know that you are very capable and a good thinker. Hmmm…. I wonder what you could do when you are frustrated?”
6. Teach Social Skills
Social skills are an essential part of emotional regulation. Children need to learn how to communicate effectively, show empathy, and build positive relationships. Provide opportunities for your child to interact with others and teach them the social skills they need to succeed.
Find opportunities to foreshadow and role-play if your child struggles more with social skills. Foreshadowing includes letting kids know what to expect in a new or unknown situation and can also include letting them know some of the social behaviors or communication that is expected of them or they can expect from other kids.
Role-playing can be somewhat casual and can be as simple as saying “Let’s pretend that I’m a kid in your class. What would you say to me if you wanted to play with me at recess?” It can also be more organic and can be incorporated in play- you can use figures or imaginary play to act out scenarios that you know your child actually faces and struggles with and give them a chance to come up with ways they would want to handle these situations.
Social stories can be another useful tool for discussing expectations and “scripting” language that children can use in their day to day interactions. You can find these on teachers pay teachers or other similar websites.
7. Provide a Sense of Control
Children feel more in control when they know what to expect. Provide a sense of control by setting clear expectations, providing a predictable routine, and allowing your child to make choices. When children feel in control, they are more likely to regulate their emotions effectively.
Many things are automatically chosen for kids or out of their control- so think about some of the small day to day things that you would be willing (even if not as convenient) to allow them to take charge of or have more say in.
When we provide more opportunities for control, then when we do have to set a firm boundary and cannot give childern a choice, they are more likely to be cooperative and calm.
Emotional regulation is a critical skill for children to learn. It allows them to manage their emotions, cope with stress, and make good decisions. As parents, we can play a crucial role in teaching our children how to regulate their emotions. By providing them with tools and strategies, we can help them learn how to manage their big emotions in a healthy way. By incorporating some of the above strategies, you can support your child’s emotional well-being and set them up for a healthy and happy life.
Keep Growing!
